Pedro Ex Machina

While I have often been critical of the Red Sox New Ownership Group (NOG), their stewardship of the New England Sports Network (NESN) has been stellar to say the least. In particular, they understand the never-ending hunger of Red Sox fans to watch historic games over and over—be it in July or January.

I had the good fortune to watch a large chunk of one such recent telecast of the August 29, 2000 Pedro Martinez "1-hitter brawl game" at the Trop in St. Petersburg. In the midst of perhaps his most dominant year, Pedro ignited a classic brawl by plunking Gerald "Ice" Williams on the fourth pitch of the game. After the melee', (in which 5 Devil Rays were ejected), Pedro retired 24 batters in a row—coming within three outs of his first no-hitter (which eludes him to this day).

But Pedro's awesome display (routinely mixing 96 MPH fast-balls with devastating change-ups) was not what caught my attention. Rather, it was what occurred in the midst of a tough at-bat by once-and- future Red Sox catcher John Flaherty to lead off the 9th inning. As Pedro prepared to deliver his 2-2 offering, he paused to notice that his religious chain had broken and was dangling precariously from his neck. He grabbed at it, looked curiously at the detached icon and gathered it into his hip pocket. Can you smell what's coming?

On the very next pitch, Flaherty roped an opposite field base-hit into right-center on a blistering Pedro fast-ball. Said Pedro after losing the no-no: "I think my career is more interesting than one game". Holy smokes, I don't know about that!

Why John Henry Wants A Cap

How ironic that Red Sox principal owner John Henry is (once again) advocating a salary cap for Major League Baseball. This is the same guy who has made multiple millions (even in this crap economy) by leveraging hedge funds—arguably the ultimate in capitalism. So, why is he calling for a socialist solution to MLB spending?

Simple. In a rare literal analogy, he wants to force a "level" playing field by penalizing other successful franchises that have had the foresight to move into the 21st century by building new stadiums—something he will not or cannot do. That is what now separates the Yankees from the Red Sox. That is why the Yankees can afford half a billion in new player acquisitions. John Henry has seen the future and he is scared hitless. He sees his investment slipping away because he needs to squeeze 38,000 fans into a 1912 sardine can. Meanwhile, the Yankees unveil a state-of-the-art new venue this year that will reap a financial windfall and allow them to separate even more from the Red Sox.

John Henry's solution? Follow the logical lead of every other franchise (except the hapless Cubs) and build a New Fenway? Wrong, Fenway Frank breath! He calls for a Soviet-style cap on spending to protect his capitalist investment. Shame on him!

Beautiful People Discover Red Sox

It's OK, Trust Fund Babies, it's safe to like the Red Sox now. Keith Lockhart has sprinkled his cultural Holy Water on the local baseball nine, so now you can even show up at Fenway! Just think, the lush tones of "Shippin' Up To Boston" will now resound off the hallowed walls of Symphony Hall. "Sweet Caroline" will be heard with even more strings than when Neil Diamond recorded it.

Call me cynical, but frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a rat's you-know-what that the Pops have recorded a bunch of Sox favorites. Who invited them to the party? Oh, I forgot, there is a serious elitist strain that runs through our esteemed NOG—from their political leanings to their annoying "green" fetish.

I can hear it now from all the Beautiful People, "I say, Muffy, I believe that team over in Kenmore Square has won two of their championship things lately, perhaps we should pay more attention now that the Pops are involved". Pull-eeeze.

Fenway Opening Day: 2062

Recently, Sox President and CEO Larry Lucchino stated that the final phase of FenwayPark renovation by the NOG (New Ownership Group) would be, in part, waterproofing the 1912 and 1934 "bowls" in the field itself. This would, he boldly proclaimed, keep John Updike's "lyric little bandbox" up and running for "fifty more years." Fifty more years.

So much for any hope I had of expanded leg-room (or any leg-room for that matter) in my cramped Grandstand seat. And completely forget about cup-holders and unobstructed views. At this rate, my son might not ever see these base amenities in his lifetime. It may fall to our grandchildren to have even a whiff of a state-of-the-art, 21st Century baseball experience in Boston.

I can just see it now, the Grand Opening of the New Fenway in 2062--the 150th anniversary of the old ballpark's debut. John Henry IV, and 89-year old Theo Epstein are on hand to cut the ribbon that will usher in a new era of Boston baseball. All across the region, orthopedic specialists bemoan the loss of a steady stream of gimpy knees, misaligned backs and stiff necks that were the loving gift from the Grand Old Lady on Yawkey Way.

So, let's enjoy the "ambiance" while we still can. Fork over the 85 bucks and drink in the discomfort!